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Tuesday, July 29, 2014

Square And Straight LXXVII - Model-Copped Crooked Cop!   Posted on Jul 29, 2014    Comments ()

Bitching About A Lecherous Cop's Misbehaviour With A Model Victim - Lazy Fly


Once in a while, the breakfast table at home becomes our parliament where there is no slogan shouting and disruption.


Our honest, humane and non-human presiding speaker is Babushka, the daughter of the only original talking dog of the world who used to be the pet of one of my mentors in journalism – Busybee.


Rapping my knuckles with a steel spoon for attempting to steal a cube of sugar, the wife began commenting on the allegations of the female model who has accused a senior cop – one Paraskar of rape.


“In my opinion, that female is defeating her own case by accusing the man of repeated rape. There are reports of the woman being taken to some sex-nest or other and intercourses happening. It was not like some Hindi movie where the hapless heroine is dragged behind some bush or sexually assaulted after snapping doors shut in an unsuspecting moment. It seems the woman was being threatened or blackmailed by the man over something – or worse – promised a marriage or live-in relationship. But, somehow, I do not think the charge of rape would stand scrutiny in a court of law,” the wife said.


The daughter Diana didn’t like this one little bit.


“When a woman is forced to have sex – under some duress – the act is indeed rape. Even the wife of a man can accuse her husband of rape – if the woman in question has not consented to have an intercourse. That is what the law says,” Diana said as she helped herself to a small mound of butter and jam piled on her single slice of bread.


The son Dirk raised a point of order.


“Let us first come to the conclusion as to whether this issue involving a model is a serious matter for discussion at all. One keeps reading news reports of all sorts of persons belonging to the weaker and fairer sex being criminally assaulted. And the age groups range from 3 years to 50 plus. Why not go into the real causes of this sort of sexual exploitation by those who can oppress against those can be suppressed?”


His pause was necessitated because he needed to shove a big piece of the half-boiled egg – sunny side up into his mouth.


“Though Dirk’s point of order is pregnant with a valid point, a debate on this matter will ultimately lead to a realm of pointlessness. Sexual assault, abuse and exploitation of women began during the days of Lord Ram – i.e. several thousand years ago. The wife of a hermit – someone called Ahalya had been sexually exploited by the king of Gods – Indra – who had appeared in the disguise of her husband. Every woman would know the touch of her man and no matter how good the disguise, Ahalya would have known that the man beside her in bed wasn’t her hubby. And perhaps that was why she had been cursed to be turned to stone by her husband Sage Gautama to be turned to stone – something that had been corrected by Lord Ram’s stepping on it to restore her human form. Let us ask ourselves the question – could one describe that as an act of rape, or sexual exploitation? If this took place in the modern era and Indra had been docked, he would have claimed that it was consensual sex ... just as Paraskar may try to do so in future,” I said.


“You are the worst form of a male chauvinistic pig, Lazy,” the wife said angrily. “Here we were discussing the disgusting behaviour of a cop in the modern era and there you go – taking us some thousands of years into the past – providing a strange angle to a very strange tale that seeks to justify that Paraskar chap’s offence! Our bedroom is out of bounds for you till further notice. From now on, I am suffering from a strange malady called anti-emcipitis – which is simply put – female revulsion of all MCPs!”


“Whoa, whoa ... why are you humans trying to emulate our mostly wrong and nearly-always dishonourable members of parliament – by converting a decent debate into an indecent diatribe? As the speaker, I would rather expunge your wife’s remarks from the record,” Babushka said.


I decided to take the wife’s side despite her vile threat to quarantine our bedroom.


“I would like to appeal to the chair that the remarks made by the wife may be retained on record. A woman has an inalienable right to honourably right age-old wrongs. This analogy is necessary here as the speaker tried to somewhat inanely pun on the opposites of the words right and honourable – to slam members of parliament. I am against our MPs’ behaviour in parliament as well as the description of the chair here to slam them by terming them forever wrong and dishonourable. Let us take the Ramayana again. Goddess Sita chose Lord Ram to be her husband in an open court after he fulfilled the condition put forth by her father Janaka. The Goddess accompanied her husband to the forest voluntarily, because she loved her man. She was kidnapped by the demon Ravana against her will, on the basis of his vile intentions. But upon being rescued by her husband, she went through a trial of fire again at a mere request from her husband. Further, just because some ordinary subject of Emperor Ram raised an objection questioning her chastity, the Goddess was again exiled to the hermitage of Sage Valmiki - something to which she again submitted with apparent meekness. Finally, after Luv and Kush, the offspring of Ram and Sita defeated the entire army of Ayodhya and took their father prisoner, Ram pronounced that the deeds of the boys proved Sita's chastity and agreed to take her back. Thereupon, the Goddess objected to the whole male-dominated society and prayed to Mother Earth to split and swallow her physical form so that the domination of males to abuse, exploit and vilify females would be seriously questioned and the beginning of such acts' end would commence and also to strongly register her protest. Mother earth obliged because the Goddess was right. Yet, in a rather lopsided way, the Hindu right-wing MCPs of today use the honourable but docile nature of Goddess Sita to prop the system of dishonourable system of male domination,” I said.


“Bringing in the most well-behaved Hindu God Ram and the chaste Goddess Sita in this discussion about the regressive behaviour of a rogue cop and someone who may perhaps be or have been promiscuous is reprehensible and I feel repulsed,” the daughter Diana said.


“I second Diana’s objections and appeal to the chair to expunge the entire discussion,” the son Dirk responded and shoved the remaining part of the half-omelette into his cavernous oral feed cave.


Babushka, our speaker, laughed.


“The problem of you humans is that you always speak out of turn, out of context and end up saying the most outrageous things. I am overruling the sentiments of the members and retaining this entire discussion on record. Firstly, every woman – has an inalienable right to choose her male companion. In the Mahabharata, Draupadi had been wedded to 5 husbands ... and yet ... was considered the chastest. None can raise issues of promiscuity against her mother-in-law Kunti – who bore 3 Pandava princes through 3 different Gods – one of them being the lecherous Indra. And for that matter, the first son of Kunti – Karna had been born before wedlock. Some of you may compare what I say with the somewhat silly book written by some Batra character now being forced down the gullet of school kids in Gujarat. Good and evil are 2 sides of the same coin – as can be seen from my examples cited just now. In the modern context any right-wing MCP bent on suppressing womanhood can bitch about the behaviour of the women from the scriptures described by me and term them females of easy virtue... and there may be idiots who justify them to push hidden political agendas of strengthening vote-banks. In the final analysis, the model in question who has accused the Deputy Inspector General of Police ought to fire her legal advisors, amend her complaint, complain of sexual exploitation and harassment – charges that will stand court scrutiny and tell journalists the whole story – removing her veil – because the whole thing becomes meaningless – as those in the know would know who the defamed female is – and what is more, by showing her face – the model in question would inspire others suffering sexual exploitation at the hands of lecherous characters like Paraskar to come out and lodge their protest. Before the thoughtless humans can raise their objections, I am ruling that this subject is closed and this parliament is adjourned sine die,” Babushka said with a grim finality and began slurping her milk from her bowl.


Imitation is the best form of flattery.


I have decided to flatter one of my gurus in journalism and the originator of its subtle humour quotient – the eternal Behram Contractor, also known as Busybee.

Behram had a fictional character strutting in and out of his columns - the only talking dog in the world - called Bolshoi the Boxer. I have now created the daughter of Bolshoi and named her Babushka. The two terms are Russian. 

Bolshoi is a ballet theatre in Moscow. Babushka means elderly lady in Russian.

According to Wikipedia, Boxer is a stocky, medium-sized, short-haired dog bred from the Old English bulldog and the now extinct Bullenbeisser

Boxers were first exhibited in a dog show for St. Bernards in Munich in 1895, the first Boxer club being founded the next year. 

Based on 2013 American Kennel Club statistics, Boxers held steady as the seventh most popular breed of dog in the United States for the fourth consecutive year.


I am using his description for the fictional woman he called The Wife long before he had got married and his imaginary children. His offspring inked on paper were his sons Derek and Darryl. The similar ones of mine are the son Dirk and daughter Diana.


And I am adopting the nom de plume – Lazy Fly for this column whose unique attraction point is pure political satire - the hallmark of Busybee’s Round & About. 

This column’s common headline is Square & Straight – a takeoff on the more famous Round & About that the humorist used to pen daily. I surely do not match the master in crispness or in humour quotient.

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